How to: Hide a body or How to: Not Kill Someone

You are obviously reading this, so you must be somewhat curious as to what this will be all about. What secrets will unfold?

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Truth is, I’ve never killed anyone. I know, I know… With my temper!? But believe it or not, I have actually managed some self control throughout my life. Not to mention I could never take someone’s son/daughter, mom/dad, sister/brother away from their family. It was difficult at times. People can be… How do I put this…? Stupid. I’m not talking about their intelligence level. Obviously that plays a part, but I’m just talking about their genuine unsurprising way of making bad decisions. Having no common sense.

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That could mean they start a fight with someone who also makes bad decisions. And that person happens to not value human life. The times we are living in now, you never know who is carrying a gun. There are more people that carry a firearm for protection use only rather than to commit murder, but regardless… There are people carrying firearms who don’t think twice about pulling the trigger on a whim of anger. It could mean you and a friend are on a cliff, walking a trail and you jokingly push your friend to their eternal doom. Whatever the reason, people don’t think about the outcome of a situation before it’s too late.

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So let’s say you are someone who just ended someone else’s life… Obviously you don’t want to go to jail, so you have to think of where to hide a body. First mistake. A dead body starts smelling really bad pretty quickly after their life ended. Therefore, you can’t just hide the body. Not on the surface of the Earth anywhere at least. That will bring unwanted attention, and fast.

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So, you think you can bury the body?? Again, bad idea… Unless you bury it so deep that it can never come to surface in  your lifetime. Years of weathering will eventually turn up the slightest piece of evidence that will lead back to you. Also, if this is the route you are taking, you better have a random-ass acquaintance that you haven’t spoken to in years (I’m talking like 10-15 years), and you happen to know that their wife’s second cousin’s best friend’s grandma just so happens to own about 100 acres of land. You better not take that body anywhere public.

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So you decide you don’t feel comfortable burying a body 100 feet below the surface in the middle of this privately owned land from someone who could never be traced back to you… What is your next option?

Well, we all know that pigs/hogs will literally eat every piece of a human’s body except for the teeth right? As gross and morbid as that sounds, I mean, you’ve already killed someone right? My suggestion here would be to remove the teeth prior to tossing the body in. If it were me, I’d just take those teeth and grind them into a dust. Then I’d take that dust to a body of water. Poof! No more evidence. Not exactly sure if DNA will make it through a pig’s colon into its feces, but to be sure, I’d make sure to be on poop control for a couple days and dispose of the waste in some way.

pigs

Ok, so you aren’t keen on burying the body, and you don’t own a bunch of pigs. Nor do you know anyone who has a pig farm. What could be your next option?

It depends on if this murder was premeditated or an act of impulse. If I had premeditated actually taking someone’s life, I would probably figure out what I was going to do with the body long before I actually committed the crime. I’m assuming this was an impulse and now you need help. My first piece of advice would be: If this was truly an accident, turn yourself in. You may be found innocent to a jury and get no time. If this was borderline accident/moment of anger, that would be seen as murder.

So back to hiding the body… My next avenue would be (again) pulling out all of the teeth from the victim. This is pertinent. Dental records get you caught. Once you’ve removed the chompers, set the whole place on fire. Seriously. Burn that bitch to the ground. Unless you live in town and the fire department would be able to put it out prior to your human shish-kebob having no more fingerprints or recognizable features. Depending on how you killed them would determine whether or not the body could be found. If you shot them, nope. If you used a weapon of any sort, no. Forensic people are no joke. They LIVE the game of Clue. Who did it, where, with what? Also if they were a known friend or enemy of yours will give the detectives an idea if that person was likely to be in that area with you at all.

fire

I could go on and on with this, because I enjoy watching crime shows/movies/documentaries. It’s never my intention to watch them and have my mind corrupt with knowledge of “if they just hadn’t” whatever, they would have gotten away. It happens though. These shows tell you that they committed the perfect crime minus one detail. If you are planning to become a murderer, that’s just the one detail you make sure to take care of…

Now, in order to not have to deal with the headache of all of this planning and genuine hard work to cover your tracks, one sure way to avoid this is to just not kill anyone.

Let’s say a punk ass bitch steps up to you… Kick their ass, but no need to end their life.

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Let’s say a driver cuts you off or steals your parking spot… Just flip them off and cuss at them behind the comfort of your vehicle like the rest of us. Don’t retaliate by running them off the road. That’s a quick way to be figuring out how to get rid of a body…

Let’s say you just can’t stand your boss anymore. They’ve pushed your buttons for the last time! Well, my suggestion would be to find another job. If what they are doing isn’t legally okay, find proof to get them fired. No reason to take them away from their family and friends. Even if they are a huge douche.

Let’s say you want the insurance money from your spouse’s death… If you just can’t wait for the love of your life to pass in a natural way, you are seriously disturbed and need to be behind bars. Seriously.

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So there you have it. The best way to avoid all of this nonsense and still be able to sleep at night not having your crime haunt you for the rest of your life, is to just not do it. It’s not cool, and it doesn’t make you tough. Unless that fucker did something to your kid… Then I’d say the first half of this article is warranted.

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