How to: Please a Woman (explicit language)

book

Let’s begin…. HA! I’m just kidding. I know it may seem like each woman has their own personal book about this size with the instructions on how to please her. My man is probably laughing at this very moment because he insists there must be a manual such as this that corresponds with me.

Truth is, we woman aren’t that complicated to figure out…

From ourselves, we want to look good and feel good. We are always wanting our bodies to look better, but we should really just stop that. Our bodies are perfect (as long as we aren’t at risk health wise). We want to make sure our makeup and hair look good if we are going out anywhere. If we are going to be seen by anyone. If there’s a chance we’ll run into someone we know, we want to make sure we look extra good. We must keep up the image that we have our shit together. Even though none of us really do.

hair

When it comes to our homes, we want it to be spotless and be comfortable… In your single years that may have been attainable. Once you get in a relationship and even have a kid (or more), you are alarmingly okay with a mess. As soon as you have company over, you turn into the roadrunner and get your house picked up and vacuumed and cleaned from top to bottom in about 30 minutes. I will never take a dishwasher for granted again as I currently don’t have one. It seriously sucks washing dishes by hand.

dishes

From our friends, we just want that soulmate who gets us. That one friend who likes the same things as us. Who loves our kids (if you have them). Who listens to us vent and bitch about stuff that’s going on in our lives. Who loves us like a sister.

best

Now that we’ve covered what women want in all of those aspects, it’s time for the one you’ve all been waiting for…. How to please a woman if you are her man/partner…

oprah

So first and foremost, you better always have that bitch fed! I am not making this stuff up people. Food is probably the easiest thing you can go to for a quick fix in her attitude. Feed the beast. I PROMISE, that will at the very least ease her up and give you about 15-20 more minutes of peace. That is, if it doesn’t cure her insanity immediately… Which brings us to our next piece of advice…

ellen

If she’s not hungry, she might just want the D. Seriously… I don’t know many freshly fucked women who aren’t in a good mood. That is of course, if they have had said “D” before and have been satisfied with it. If it’s a brand new “D” it’s really anyone’s guess what kind of mood she’ll be in afterwards. Once you know she’s not hungry or horny and she is still in a bad mood, or possibly hostile, there’s only one more thing you can do…

women

Keep your distance, and be over-the-top sweet. Yes, we will know you are blowing smoke up our skirt, but we don’t care. We need you to just DO IT! As much as it will kill you inside to not address our unwarranted attitude/anger, we need you to just pretend like we are the most precious thing in the world. Or you will most likely die on the outside instead.

finish-him

So there you have it. The secret to a happy woman. Literally 3 things you can do. Women are emotional. We are sensitive. We overreact. We have attitudes for absolutely no reason. We have a short fuse. We don’t like to admit any of these things, but we all know it. You guys all know it too. If you find a woman who isn’t ever any of these things, she’s a dude.

But even with all of those things that make us so hard to handle, we are also so caring,  adventurous, beautiful, great multi-taskers, the ones who remember EVERYTHING, the ones who keep everyone organized, great moms, brave, protective, humble, and one of a kind. There are no two women the exact same. That’s why when you find the woman you love, you are taking her for all that she is. Crazy and all. Because you know you’ll never find another one like her.

 

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